Story Time: Haunting of the past

At this time, many people are in the middle of preparing and studying for their final exams as I should be too. Currently "attempting" to study for my research course, my brain farted and I can't seem to focus. So I took out my journal and started to flip through the pages and skim through some old entries I wrote. I stumbled upon a post that I wrote this summer. Oh it hurts and it still comes back to haunt me at times. 

This summer, I found out some news that resulted me in tears. I know that it's in the past and that nothing can be changed but I can't forget about it. Never will. 

In the midst of having a lovely brunch with a friend, I don't remember how the topic came up but we started to talk about high school and how we became friends. The conversations somehow led to our times prior to high school, probably right before entering high school. That's where the juicy parts came in and not to mention the tears. Anyways, I remember telling my friend about how the first year of high school was really difficult for me and my times in elementary school of how horrible I was as a person. I did not care about anyone else's feelings but myself. I was a selfish little bitch not to mention a really mean person to people around me except for one person. And in return, I was betrayed, humiliated and hurt by this person the most. And I'm not retelling this story to put blame on the parties involved or have people to feel bad or anything, but just an experience that has really shaped me and my actions.

This person really treated me like nothing. No actually, I'm wrong, this person didn't treat me like nothing but treated me like a rock, a rock to step on and walk all over. The stupid me, had no idea and was oblivious to it and thought it was completely fine. When it got to the point of realization, it was already too late, I could not fight back anymore. The way this person treated me was ridiculous, I guess you can say some of the actions were equivalent to what the bullies you see on television would do. Because I let myself be vulnerable and accepted everything, never questioned it, blinded by inaccurate trust, the wrong people and just being naive. Prior to entering high school, this person told me that he was going to make my life miserable in high school and at first I didn't believe it and thought it was all a bluff but it happened, well for a small while but that's enough to hurt someone.. It was very difficult for me, I was humiliated, laughed at, people around witnessed and knew but I couldn't do anything but to just distance myself and forced myself to desensitize to it, ignore it and that I was just over thinking it. 

But after the conversation I had with my friend, there was more to it. I learned that prior to entering high school and meeting a bunch of new school mates, apparently people knew me. Don't take it like it's a popular thing or a good thing...that is the wrong approach. I learned that people knew me prior to meeting me was because of the things they heard about me. This person would say a whole bunch of horrible things about me to people to the point where people knew me before meeting me. I was SO oblivious to this and had no idea. I was foolish enough to approach these people trying to be "friends" with them when in reality they were probably laughing and talking behind closed doors. Not to mention, my friend have told me the things that were being told around about me. Upon hearing that, I couldn't even expressed the way I felt because it was so unexpected and having to hear it years later, wow, I didn't know how to take it. Yes I know, its the past, its done and over with it but that betrayal feeling, wow. 

Everything started to make sense to me. As I wondered bit by bit in high school that why certain people were so nice to me. It didn't make sense to me but all the pieces are connecting to one another like a puzzle. As I thought people were sincerely nice to me, that was false, it was all a front because of this person. I cannot believe that I let myself be so vulnerable, naive, let my guard down and thought everyone was trust worthy and were sincere. It all backfired on me. What's worse is that I was foolish and dumb enough to not even realize it at the time and to only figure it out years later. Now that I think of it, its as if everyone was just waiting and watching me make a fool of myself and I did because I was so naive. 

Up until this date, I have not spoken this person and I'm glad because I wouldn't want to ever encounter this person. No, I'm not holding a grudge.....ok maybe a little but I just don't want to deal with it. Whatever this person has put me through have slowly changed me as I realize that I'm unable to stick through with my decisions or choices with a lot things especially with interpersonal things. I feel that I'm quite flip floppy with myself, with my decisions, I can't seem to settle with anything. I feel like I have really hard time deciding and always change my mind because I feel that I lack the confidence in my decisions. I can't seem to make an accurate decision possibly due to the lack of trust in myself and in others. My fear of failure, my fear of betrayal, my fear of trusting myself, someone or a decision has resulted me to be like this. 

It doesn't seem apparent that I have this issue because it wasn't apparent to me neither. This experience is embedded in me to the point where I didn't even realize what it has done to me but as I take the time to slowly reflect on it, I see what it has done to me. It's scary to think that the past can really impact you, your life and your decisions now.